Who Am I?

Plain and simple- the best words to describe the situation we’re in with my dad.  Sucky.  He’s going downhill at an alarming rate, and it is scaring the crap out of me.  Tuesday this week- we learned he has blood clots in both legs.  Today, his belly was swollen & distended.  The hospice nurse came out and ran a catheter….it helped some.  But he is in so much pain and it is emotionally wearing on him heavily.  Everyone asks how I am doing with all this all the time, and I tend to give the standard answer “I’m ok, hanging in there & taking it a day at a time”.  I don’t think people really want to hear the truth.  And if they do, they’re probably sorry after I vent it all out!!!  In truth, I feel like I am treading water with hundred pound weights strapped to me.  Barely above the surface, and sinking more and more each passing second.  It isn’t just dad.  My husband has been a very busy guy lately- largely because he is starting his own business- it is launching next month!- and he is busy getting it up and running.  But I think he is purposely keeping himself busy because of Dad…..it’s his way of coping.  And he doesn’t know how to help me.  I don’t know how to tell him that his busyness is making me sink faster.  As you read before- he has his company, his current FT job, and is also a pastor.  Something’s gotta give. 

I am tired of dealing with cancer.  I wish I had answers to the many questions I have- like why MY daddy?  Then again, I think “why NOT my daddy”?  Bet God was thinking “WHY MY SON”?  Ya know?  I am fighting through this trying with all that is in me to keep my faith intact.  Somedays I trust God more than ever before, and some days, I want to scream at Him and ask Him what on earth He’s thinking!!!  You know what, though?  I think He can handle that with no problem.  He’s a tough guy, lol.  In other words, I think He understands me having questions.  I am human, after all.  I won’t have the answers to these questions this side of Heaven, and I am trying to be ok with that. 

Here they are!

Jake

Ashlyn

Ellie

Notice Ellie’s hand?  That’s what happens when a 6 year old cousin of hers has to use the bathroom, but Ellie tries to open the door on him!  He accidentally slammed her finger in the door!  A few stitches later, and she is on the road to recovery.  Her hand will be all wrapped up until next Thursday, when they remove the stitches.  Doesn’t she just look soooo pathetically adorable??

Ok- so the random thought swirling around me today is this: why are we as people SO BUSY?  We are constantly rushing from here to there!  Recently I was at the grocery store.  Ellie and I were alone, it was snowing and 25* outside.  I was unloading the groceries as Ellie sat in the cart.  I notice a car stopped with it’s turn signal on, obviously waiting for my spot.  I was in no hurry at the moment- and I confess that it irritated me so much I took my time even more after seeing this young man tapping his fingers on the steering wheel and look at me with frustration.  I then returned the cart, and I had to strap Ellie into her car seat.  As I finally pulled out of the spot and began to drive away- I saw an empty parking space just 4 spaces after mine!  If that man had given up his quest for my not-so fantastic parking space and moved on, he would have been able to park, get inside, and probably have half of his shopping done in the time it took him to wait on me!  But he was so impatient, rather than taking the time to walk an extra 20 feet, he sat there all huffy and irritated with me.  Maybe I should have titled this “Lazy yet in a hurry”!!! 

My dad is sick.  He has pancreatic cancer, and doesn’t have much time left on this earth.  Until his diagnosis, I was one of “those” people in a constant hurry.  But watching my dad’s health deteriorate and his movements slow, I have learned a new sense of contentment.  I don’t mind life at a slower pace- you get to see and enjoy life much more when you’re not barreling along at breaknet speed. 

Here are a couple random thoughts I came across on a public message board.  I don’t know the author of these thoughts- I can not take the credit.  But boy do they make a point!

-You feel you have to rush because you have a life to live.  I don’t feel the need to rush past life in order to live it.  Life happens where you are- not when you get there.

-Look around the world.  Really.  Does waiting a few minutes in line, on the road, walking through a store REALLY matter that much?   If you still say yes.   Take some time from your uber busy life and volunteer at a homeless shelter.  A battered women’s shelter.  A children’s Cancer center.  This is the stuff to get your panties in a wad about! 

And I am just throwing myself out there for the world to hear, lol. 

A little about me-

I am a wife, a mom, a Child of God, a sister, a daughter, and I am strong.

I am married to Eric- the most supportive and handsome man I’ve had the pleasure of meeting!  He is a busy guy- He is a pastor, the director of a small natural gas marketing company, and he is in the process of starting his own natural gas consulting company.  He is funny and sweet, he loves his family and his God, and he loves working out.
Our contributions to this earth are Jake, Ashlyn, and Ellie.  Jake is almost 9- the apple of my eye and a completel mama’s boy!  He loves all things football and he is an avid reader like his mom.  Not just a reader- he is addicted to reading anything and everything!  Ashlyn is 6, and is the most compassionate person I know.  She would give the shirt off her back if she thought someone needed it more than she did- and figuritvely, has on occasion.  She is beautiful and carefree, and loves gymnastics.  Ellie is a bubbly, happy sweet girl who is almost 2.  She has a gorgeous smile, a curious nature, and adores a good game of hide & seek. 

Enough for now- I guarantee you will get to know these goofballs over time if you stick around.  I am a stay at home mom with many random thoughts swirling around in her head- and I am eager to get them out of my head and written here so I can look back at this time in my life and see how I did.  My prayer is that I can say “well done”.  We’ll see.  I know without my God, that impossible.